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Juggertrout's Avatar
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Oh God...I just had the most humiliating night ever - 07-27-2008 , 03:27 PM


I'm at my college house watching some porn like a usual student. The volume on my speakers was not that loud so no one could hear outside my room and corridor (I'm alone). But I was wrong. My room is near the backyard, and there's a lady, my neighbour, who was outside and heard my porn.

Anyways, while I was fapping I heard sirens outside my house. I quickly finished and laid low near my computer, thinking that it was another house. But within a few seconds I heard the police near my door. The police first screamed, "THIS IS THE POLICE" or something similar that I can’t seem to fully recall. I didn't know whether to run to the door because they probably had tasers, which would be unpleasant, so I screamed that I was opening the door. I opened the door slowly as they came in. One of the officer's told me that they had heard reports of a girl screaming. I told them that I did not hear such a scream. I was keeping cool.

They checked my room which then I realized oh frick. I told them, absurdly, that I was watching porn on the computer. (Then it hit me that this porn is illegally downloaded. But I know these officers wouldn't care about that.) They were skeptical at first but then I asked them if they wanted to see it to which they agreed. They both then had a funny smirk on their face as I scrolled to the screaming part. The officers called the neighbour and asked her if she heard it again. They increased the volume, and she said on the phone, “Yeah exactly the same voice”, to which the officers told her that it was a movie and will tell the neighbour to turn it down. The officers chuckled again and told me if I want to watch it, keep the volume as low as possible or use headphones. They left. Words cannot describe what a bizarre state I was in, so I went outside to walk to my friend's house who lives two streets down.

While walking down the street, I see the typical slags strolling crazy after or before a party - I couldn't really tell. One girl, who was walking alone on my side, asked me if I wanted to get my rocks off. Yeah. That's right. Just like that - out of the blue. But that's country girls for you. She had a nice pair of breasts and an above average face. I remember her perfectly: about 5’5”, brown hair, brown eyes, tanned body and a tiny birth mark on her neck. Oh, and the most discernible farm girl accent I've EVER heard. I first talked to her to see if it was some king of trap, which occurs 99% of the time, but this wasn't. She even took me near the trees. I, knowing about STDs and all, didn't really care at the moment as I was horny after I got a terrible fap session due to the police interrupting. I was really into it and told myself this is a really, really strange day.

This is where it gets ugly. Remember how I fapped awhile ago? Well, let me explain some things about that incident. I used toilet paper. When the police came, I just finished my fap and didn't have time to clean up everything. Do you know what happens when you have cheap toilet paper on your sticky penis for awhile?

She pulled down my pants and there it showed - a penis with a lot of white spots. In my head I was like NO NO WHYYYY GOD? WHYYY?. I didn't have any water around to wash it off so as I was trying to explain to her she interrupted and said I have herpes, freaked out and ran away. The worst thing about this is that, one: I couldn't explain myself, and two: she knows who I am. I decided to run back to my house, clean it off, and then go to my friend's house. There I told them my story which they refuse to believe.

Bad huh? Now here's where it goes from Beckett to Proust if ya know what I'm saying. My friends suggest that we all go out clubbing around the town. Now, I'm a decent looking guy, and my Hugh Grant accent in a rural town like Norwich usually goes down like buttered bread on these rural lasses. I'm in need of a real confidence boost, so I agree to go along, hoping to show off by getting a few girls' phone numbers. However, what happened next, I could not have predicted.

We stop off first at a club/bar called "Ravenous". Inside, I work my magic, pursuing girls and winning them over enough to get their numbers - and maybe a good night snog. I'm feeling really good, and we all decide to move on to a new establishment. The next place we hit is "The Elbow Room", a mid-sized club famed for its bizarre bauhaus architecture. It's here that I'm at prime, swooping in and swooping out of girls like some avian Lothario. This was definitely a good night for me - I must have picked up at least 8 phone numbers and made out with over a dozen chicks. And my friends, who had previously scoffed at my sexual solipsism and mock herpical adventure, were regaining faith in the almighty Casanova of Norwich. I hastened upon a pack of three hot looking girls dancing in the centre of the room. "Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?" I flash a sexy grin. "Well yar a bit oof a playa arnt ye?" she replied.

I froze. Suddenly the clunk of my heart replaced the beats of the music in the air. I became dizzy, the light from the ceiling began to faze in and out. "Well let's get a goot look at ya." As she came into the light, my worst fears were realised. It was the girl from earlier. "Ummm...hi," I croaked, not sure how to play it. "Ooh my good, it's YOU! Yewer the guy with Herpes you sick pervert!" Time froze, and with it did all my discernible senses. The other girls with her began to look at me with a mortified stare. Suddenly, the music stopped. Why it did I do not fully understand. All I remember is this girl screaming, "HE GUT HERPES! DUNNA TOUCH HIM, GARLS!" An immediate circle formed around me. There were girls staring at me shocked - some I remembered from earlier who had given me some mouth lovin'. Well there was nothing beautiful about this. One girl, a blonde, began to spit furiously at the ground. "This freak kissed me!" she screamed, "He's given me herpes!" All around the room, other girls began to hock and spit. Some who I'd only touch began to spontaneously break into tears. Suddenly the room seemed to be devoid of any men, only women who felt that had been callously infected by me like that one movie Kids (no not the porno with Sundoobiest). The horrified screams began to intensify - like bats they were. And one girl fell to the floor clutching her heart and screaming about having her life ruined. Suddenly, I felt a man grip my arm from behind. "Son, you're coming with us," the burly gentleman said.

Little did I know that my night had only just begun...

Last edited by Juggertrout; 07-28-2008 at 10:14 AM. .

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07-27-2008 , 03:35 PM


Lulululululululu.

I didn't know trouts could get herpes.:p

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07-27-2008 , 03:37 PM


Oh. My. God. This has got to be one of the funniest threads i've ever seen. Thankfully, i can safely say i've never been in any sort of predicament equivalent to yours. In fact, most of that story seems utterly fake, but that's why it's so funny. However, I would be amazed if this thread lasted more than a day without being locked and/or deleted. We'll just have to see. Also...kleenex works better =/.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Juggertrout
(Then it hit me that this porn is illegally downloaded.
I lol'd so hard at that.

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07-27-2008 , 03:39 PM


lmfao that must of sucked...

Did you get bussecks'd by the guy who grabbed your arm?

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07-27-2008 , 03:46 PM


You know, if you were a girl you would be the biggest slut in town.

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07-27-2008 , 04:06 PM


Kleenex® Tissues: It's Time To Let It Out™

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07-27-2008 , 04:08 PM


And you yelled for a cab, and when it came near the license plate read "Fresh" with dice in the mirror?

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07-27-2008 , 04:15 PM


Don't use toilet paper, and speakers.

That is the moral of the story right?

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07-27-2008 , 04:22 PM


freakin great.

you should write a book. you painted that story very nicely.

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07-27-2008 , 04:27 PM


Quote:
Originally Posted by Juggertrout


"Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?" I flash a sexy grin. "
lol....

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07-27-2008 , 05:08 PM


are you serious? I guess thats what you get for messing with dumb sluts

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07-27-2008 , 05:36 PM


i would paintball her house.

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07-27-2008 , 05:42 PM


I lolled. Any other comment I would have written down would be used against me.

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07-27-2008 , 05:45 PM


This has been copied, and is now ready for pasta deployment.

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07-27-2008 , 05:52 PM


Thats one of the first longer stories i think i have ever read, and it was worth it. not trying to be mean but obviously you have a sense of humor if you posted it. Thats quite a strange turn of events, unlucky on your part the whole way. I probably would have just whipped out my dong right there, to prove a point.

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07-27-2008 , 06:01 PM


Quote:
Originally Posted by Juggertrout
I'm at my college house watching some porn like a usual student.
You sir, no how to start a story.


A+ would read again.

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07-27-2008 , 06:20 PM


That was awesome.

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07-27-2008 , 06:44 PM


Wow...that is actually really funny! xD Definitely a night you won't forget, that I'm sure.

I hear by classify this as the BEST THREAD EVER.

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07-28-2008 , 12:36 AM


Quote:
Originally Posted by DollarPwnCenter
Thats one of the first longer stories i think i have ever read, and it was worth it. not trying to be mean but obviously you have a sense of humor if you posted it. Thats quite a strange turn of events, unlucky on your part the whole way. I probably would have just whipped out my dong right there, to prove a point.
That's what I was thinking too.

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07-28-2008 , 01:52 AM


I loled so hard. What happened next??

 

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