Relationship Help

[Causeofdeath15]

Originally Posted by BigGruntyThirst

As I said, I don't agree with her methods, but she is right to interfere.

I have to agree with him. "Running away" as you kids call it these days isn't the right way to go about this. It's a rather delicate situation.

(This is coming from the kid who lost it at 13. Not bragging because I haven't seen much since. )
EDIT: Then again, I also didn't have a phone back then. You crazy kids these days and your generous parents.

[SpaZZ]

Originally Posted by BigGruntyThirst

umm, I'm definitely siding with your mom on this one. Not necessarily her methods, but she has a point. You're 15. You need to grow up.

What is wrong with him having a girlfriend at 15. There's nothing wrong with that. And doing sexual things with his girlfriend is his buisness and she doesn't need to be concerned with it.

I would just distance yourself from your mom and tell her to back up and stop with the controlling attitude (yeah even though she's your mom )

[fob12]

Originally Posted by SpaZZ

What is wrong with him having a girlfriend at 15. There's nothing wrong with that. And doing sexual things with his girlfriend is his buisness and she doesn't need to be concerned with it.

I would just distance yourself from your mom and tell her to back up and stop with the controlling attitude (yeah even though she's your mom )

It's his mom... yes she does need to be concerned with it and has every right too.

[Lone Starr]

Originally Posted by BigGruntyThirst

As I said, I don't agree with her methods, but she is right to interfere.

So what your saying is a mother has a right to go through his things without permission and use it against him? It's like letting a cop search someone without a warrant.

On the other hand let's say she found out by other means, I suppose then you could say that she should probably be concerned, but I don't think telling him to break up with the girlfriend would be the right way to do it.

[armatik]

Originally Posted by Lone Starr

So what your saying is a mother has a right to go through his things without permission and use it against him? It's like letting a cop search someone without a warrant.

On the other hand let's say she found out by other means, I suppose then you could say that she should probably be concerned, but I don't think telling him to break up with the girlfriend would be the right way to do it.

You're an idiot if you think his mother doesn't have that right. A 15 year old boy is not mature enough to make every decision a good one. She's probably just looking out for her kid, because honestly, I've seen many people get mixed up with partying/drugs/alcohol/sex, and it honestly distracts you from what you're trying to do. I know people who can do these things without letting it affect them (myself included), but as a parent, you don't want to leave those things up to chance.

I think 15 is too young personally but.. whatever.. your fault for not locking your phone at all times. My parents don't even go through my phone and I have a keylock on it at all times, and it autolocks every 5 minutes, and my chat logs, email, and computer with administrator privileges are heavily password protected. So take care of these things, even if you don't suspect your parents would snoop. Better safe than sorry, but I guess now you know that.

Other than that I don't know what to say other than good luck. Talking to your mom might help. Try that first. If that doesn't work, rebel and start to shy away from her and go places don't tell her, act like you run this schlapskie, though it might backfire at first, it will get you somewhere. Better to try talking though. Usually works out better.

[Lone Starr]

Originally Posted by armatik

A 15 year old boy is not mature enough to make every decision a good one.

So at what age do you start making every decision a good one?

Honestly I don't think any parent can control what their kid does, but I also think that losing your kids trust isn't exactly being a great parent either... Yes, being concerned is obviously a good trait I won't argue that though. I just believe there are certain limits. =/

[nottaj]

Originally Posted by fob12

Quite frankly, it's a complete waste of time and trouble in the end if your goal isn't to get married at the time, or ever. If you do want to get married young, you're an idiot but at least what you're doing has a purpose. Just IMO.

While I agree with the first half of the second part, the rest is just froodlenutzkieing stupid. That's like saying there's no point in getting a summer job unless you plan on working there your whole life. You have to experience things to learn from them.
It's like that Carlos Mencia bit from back when he was actually funny. If you tell a kid not to touch the stove, he's gonna wait until you leave, then he's gonna touch it. If you just let the kid touch the stove and burn his finger, he's not gonna try that schlapskie again. He made a mistake, and he learned from it.
That's what you get from High School dating; you learn what to say and what not to say, and important things like how to compromise so that you and your partner can both be happy. The things that you'll need to know when you finally find the right person.

My grandparents got married without ever dating anyone prior. My grandma spent every waking moment trying to control everything my grandpa and dad/uncles/aunts did. Now they're divorced and all her kids hate her. My parents, on the other hand, each had the regular dating experience, and in 17 years of knowing them I have not seen them fight once. 17 years, an autistic child and a kid who gives them nothing but trouble, and I have not seen them fight once.

I understand that it's your instinct to do what you think is best for your kids, but sometimes you have to let them make their own mistakes.

[BigGruntyThirst]

Originally Posted by SpaZZ

What is wrong with him having a girlfriend at 15. There's nothing wrong with that. And doing sexual things with his girlfriend is his buisness and she doesn't need to be concerned with it.

I would just distance yourself from your mom and tell her to back up and stop with the controlling attitude (yeah even though she's your mom )

Did I ever say there was anything wrong with having a gf at 15? No. Don't put words in my mouth. Getting physically involved at that age is another matter, and his mother has every right to know what's going on. Its not his business, he's 15, and I'm sure still living at home. Its called parenting. Like I said, I don't really like the way she's handling it (or so it seems), but she has a right to know and interfere when she thinks you're out of line. There is a fine line between letting a kid "sow his wild oats", and trying to keep him out of situations you'll regret the rest of your life. At 15, your mom's probably gonna walk the latter side of the line a little more often.

[Mark Ceol]

I definitely agree with people like BGT and fob about needing to interfere but I don't think it needs to be anywhere near as harsh. He doesn't need to straight up break up with the girlfriend because that doesn't make any sense. Thats just like teaching abstinence in high school. Its simply not gonna have. Humans are built to want sex more than pretty much anything during the time of high school and college (and even to some extent after that point). There is absolutely no way you are going to stop that. So instead you have to teach them how to be safe about it and make the right decisions. Talk about it and him slow down? Sure, great. Don't let them be so private when they are at your house? Sounds good. But telling him to break up with her is just stupid. Only a few things can happen from that:

a) He does eventually give in a break up with her. He then gets a new girlfriend at some point and they do the same thing. All you did was delay it for a little bit.

b) He never breaks up with her (the more likely) and starts going behind his mom's back. He will then get comfortable with lying to his mother and will likely do it more often with other situations, making the mother lose control almost entirely.


Whereas if she just saw the text and decided to talk to him, maybe put a few restrictions on what him and his girlfriend can do, it would have been much better. Would he still be kinda pissed? Sure, but he would have to go behind your back as much.

It seems to me that it just made her feel too awkward and instead of trying to talk to you about it she wants to avoid the situation all together and force you to break up.

[UnformedUncle]

Originally Posted by Mark Ceol

I definitely agree with people like BGT and fob about needing to interfere but I don't think it needs to be anywhere near as harsh. He doesn't need to straight up break up with the girlfriend because that doesn't make any sense. Thats just like teaching abstinence in high school. Its simply not gonna have. Humans are built to want sex more than pretty much anything during the time of high school and college (and even to some extent after that point). There is absolutely no way you are going to stop that. So instead you have to teach them how to be safe about it and make the right decisions. Talk about it and him slow down? Sure, great. Don't let them be so private when they are at your house? Sounds good. But telling him to break up with her is just stupid. Only a few things can happen from that:

a) He does eventually give in a break up with her. He then gets a new girlfriend at some point and they do the same thing. All you did was delay it for a little bit.

b) He never breaks up with her (the more likely) and starts going behind his mom's back. He will then get comfortable with lying to his mother and will likely do it more often with other situations, making the mother lose control almost entirely.


Whereas if she just saw the text and decided to talk to him, maybe put a few restrictions on what him and his girlfriend can do, it would have been much better. Would he still be kinda pissed? Sure, but he would have to go behind your back as much.

It seems to me that it just made her feel too awkward and instead of trying to talk to you about it she wants to avoid the situation all together and force you to break up.

/thread

I hate how whenever I come into a thread that I've been pondering for a while and I'm about to post, you say pretty much everything I was thinking, and then some. So thanks for /threading pretty much every thread I want to post in.

[Turmolt]

Don't break up with her.

Tell your mother to froodlenutzkie off, grow a beard, wear baggy pants, and become black.

Ask Phasmo for tips on doing this.

[fob12]

Originally Posted by nottaj

While I agree with the first half of the second part, the rest is just froodlenutzkieing stupid. That's like saying there's no point in getting a summer job unless you plan on working there your whole life. You have to experience things to learn from them.
It's like that Carlos Mencia bit from back when he was actually funny. If you tell a kid not to touch the stove, he's gonna wait until you leave, then he's gonna touch it. If you just let the kid touch the stove and burn his finger, he's not gonna try that schlapskie again. He made a mistake, and he learned from it.
That's what you get from High School dating; you learn what to say and what not to say, and important things like how to compromise so that you and your partner can both be happy. The things that you'll need to know when you finally find the right person.

My grandparents got married without ever dating anyone prior. My grandma spent every waking moment trying to control everything my grandpa and dad/uncles/aunts did. Now they're divorced and all her kids hate her. My parents, on the other hand, each had the regular dating experience, and in 17 years of knowing them I have not seen them fight once. 17 years, an autistic child and a kid who gives them nothing but trouble, and I have not seen them fight once.

I understand that it's your instinct to do what you think is best for your kids, but sometimes you have to let them make their own mistakes.

Sometimes it is best, but it's the phsyical stuff that keeps them coming back despite those mistakes which is why someone needs to come in and say you don't need that right now.

[armatik]

I agree with fob on this. These sort of things change relationships, and a lot of people will agree that young teenagers simply aren't mature enough to handle it.

But we're all human, we all want sex, it isn't anything new. An immature person can't really know what's going on until they've made that mistake and gone past it, or they've grown up enough to understand it. We all know this, we were all 15 at one point.

[BigGruntyThirst]

Originally Posted by fob12

Sometimes it is best, but it's the phsyical stuff that keeps them coming back despite those mistakes which is why someone needs to come in and say you don't need that right now.

This man speaks a lot of truth. I believe its wrong to begin with (that's another discussion), but what fob said is also correct on a common sense level. I'm definitely not one of those "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH UNTIL YOU'RE MARRIED, YOU MANWHORE" types, but I've seen all too many people screwed up at young ages because they started way too early. Its just not worth it to me.

@UnUncle

I don't always agree with everything Mark says, but the man has an awesome ability to see the whole picture and stick it to you. He does that to me too. Darn him. I will have my vengeance.

Edit for armatik:

Yep, and that's what parents are for, guidance. Which is why I don't have a problem with what Churned's mom did. The method was most likely wrong, but the intention is right, and try to see that.
Again, I believe its wrong to get that physically involved before marriage anyway, but that's me.

[Mark Ceol]

Originally Posted by BigGruntyThirst

This man speaks a lot of truth. I believe its wrong to begin with (that's another discussion), but what fob said is also correct on a common sense level. I'm definitely not one of those "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH UNTIL YOU'RE MARRIED, YOU MANWHORE" types, but I've seen all too many people screwed up at young ages because they started way too early. Its just not worth it to me.

@UnUncle

I don't always agree with everything Mark says, but the man has an awesome ability to see the whole picture and stick it to you. He does that to me too. Darn him. I will have my vengeance.

Edit for armatik:

Yep, and that's what parents are for, guidance. Which is why I don't have a problem with what Churned's mom did. The method was most likely wrong, but the intention is right, and try to see that.
Again, I believe its wrong to get that physically involved before marriage anyway, but that's me.

Heh, thanks. I like that you disagree with me sometimes too. You are someone I like to have disagree with me because you are always pretty logical about your beliefs and have support for your argument. You usually make me see a different side of an argument, or see a side of an argument in a different light.

As for this in particular, I'm not sure if I said this but I do think some amount of guidance should be given. That I agree with you on. I just think it should be guidance in the form of information, and advice on what you think would be the right choice. I don't think you should force your beliefs on your child though. Like you said, you personally think its wrong to get too physically involved before marriage but I don't think that means your child should be the same way. They may have different priorities, or see the risk as worth it.

To me I sort of see this argument similarly to the abortion argument (oh god what am I starting...). Basically, I don't think you are going to stop it, ever. So instead of wasting your time on trying to all out stop it, work on ways to reduce it a bit and make it safer. To me, making them break up is not trying to reduce, its trying to all out prevent.

Maybe thats what you have been saying though. Intervention=good. Method=bad.

[armatik]

Originally Posted by Mark Ceol

.. but I don't think that means your child should be the same way. They may have different priorities, or see the risk as worth it.

I don't think this is right. I mean, would you honestly trust your 15 year old kid to make the right choices in possibly life-changing actions? I wouldn't. And I don't think a lot of people wouldn't. If you love your child, you'll do anything to prevent them from froodlenutzkieing their lives up. That's real parenting.

[-:þ]

Originally Posted by armatik

I don't think this is right. I mean, would you honestly trust your 15 year old kid to make the right choices in possibly life-changing actions? I wouldn't. And I don't think a lot of people wouldn't. If you love your child, you'll do anything to prevent them from froodlenutzkieing their lives up. That's real parenting.

The best you can do is educate them, not stop them.

The more you are going to push, the more they are going to push back.

[fob12]

Originally Posted by -:þ

The best you can do is educate them, not stop them.

The more you are going to push, the more they are going to push back.

If you're a weak parent, sure.

[armatik]

Took the words right out of my mouth.

Stupidface (I'm not saying this to be condescending but I saw someone call you this and there's no easier way...), when you realize that parenting isn't all about letting your kids loose the way you wanted to be when you were a kid, then you'd probably understand what we're trying to say.

[kilkenny kid]

Uhhh my step dad almost encourages me to do stuff with chicks.